The unicorn starts out by laying out its plan to counter the North Korean nuclear threat. It says, “Create a giant rainbow over the entire country that lasts 100 years and then flood the DMZ with thousands of puppies—er, kittens. Because nothing’s cuter than a kitten scratching and meowing to get in somewhere. Then, after we break through, the Marines go in and take over any nuclear facilities, turning them into ‘Happy Centers,’ filled with flowers, cupcakes, popcorn (low sodium), toys, smiles, trust, and kinship.”

The vice president is swayed, but asks for tactical specifics. The unicorn presents a briefing memo written in watercolored rebuses. It’s 630 pages long. The unicorn states that it’s no small feat writing out “operational malfeasance” in pictures, and the president says, “Well, ain’t that the truth.”

The unicorn moves on and explains that increasing the Special Forces covert operations in the tribal areas along the Pakistani border would be productive. Currently in that region, says the unicorn, “there are way many factions, anti-U.S. sentiment, cobwebs, and frowns.”

The director of national intelligence questions the unicorn’s assessment, specifically the number of operatives needed. He says the undersecretary of defense stands by the current numbers.

The unicorn immediately questions any troop assessment coming from the Department of Defense. “How about,” it says, “that leprechaun? Whenever we talked about Iraq, the leprechaun magically appeared and said our ground forces were sufficient.”

“Leprechaun?” asks the secretary of defense.

“The one who celebrated Rosh Hashanah,” says the unicorn.

“Wolfowitz,” mouths the national-security adviser.

The unicorn nods its noble head.

The secretary of state is concerned about conducting clandestine missions without congressional approval.

The unicorn holds up in its mouth a document of legal indemnification, crafted by the White House counsel. It’s written in crayon and contains language like “all busted up and such,” but the unicorn maintains that it’s ironclad.

Talk turns to Somalia and the growing threat of Al Qaeda in the capital city. “Have you thought,” asks the unicorn, “of sending a legion of robots?” “Just one legion?” asks the secretary of the treasury. The unicorn lets the chief of staff take that one—it’s not exactly sure how many make up a legion, as it’s probably metric.

The unicorn remains silent for most of the conversation on Iran. In a break in the conversation, it interjects, “In developing contingencies against Iran, council members had suggested I contact a specific person at the International Atomic Energy Agency. My advisers soon told me that there is no person at the IAEA named Nukey McBombalot. This after multiple attempts to reach his secret office in Kapowville, as well as hundreds of dollars out of my own pocket spent on calligraphy on his invitation and place card for my tea party. Does anyone have any other contact information on him?” The unicorn thinks he hears the director of national intelligence stifle a laugh.

The vice president talks about supplying arms to Kurdish rebels. “How about,” says the unicorn, “we swap out guns and use love guns.” The unicorn starts to draw a rifle with an oversized barrel under the words “Love Gun!” and stops. “Let’s shelve this for now,” says the unicorn. Everyone quickly agrees.

The president emits a loud groan and points. There’s a large pile of manure on the Situation Room couch. The council members look at the unicorn. “That’s not me—and unicorns don’t lie,” says the unicorn. The president looks at the vice president. The vice president averts his eyes. They move on.

Talk turns to Iraq, and the unicorn wishes he had his teddy bear. The teddy bear who served on the Council on Foreign Relations. The one the unicorn took to Syria, and the unicorn saw the look on the Syrians’ faces, like “Oh, man, don’t let this teddy bear look me straight in the eye.” And the meeting was going great until the teddy bear said that Damascus reminded him of his ass. So now Hezbollah is stronger than ever and the teddy bear is teaching social studies somewhere in New Paltz.

The chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff sternly opposes the unicorn’s idea to airlift sunshine across the tribal areas of Afghanistan. He says something under his breath. “I heard that,” says the unicorn. “Calling me just a horse with a horn is like calling Justin Timberlake just a singer or the secretary of state just a mannequin for Dress Barn suits.”

To clear the air, the unicorn calls for a bathroom break. After a few minutes, it comes back and says how cool it is that the Sit Room bathroom has textured toilet paper. “Why is that?” asks the unicorn. “Because we’re the government,” says the secretary of defense. “Boy,” says the unicorn, “I wish I used toilet paper.” And everyone stares at the unicorn, and suddenly it wishes it hadn’t said that. And then the unicorn wishes it were something else, like a monkey. One of those monkeys who use toilet paper. One of those wise, wise monkeys.

FROM MCSWEENEYS

Note to critics and self

Blessed as I am with a group of loyal critics, I always try to listen and learn from their critique to see if the Holy Spirit is in any way trying to guide me through their perspectives. All of us, after all, have blind spots, and all of us – me more than most, no doubt – have a lot to learn.

A few critics again and again make the allegation that I am – along with many of my friends – “pandering to postmodernity,” in a misguided desire to be relevant to contemporary culture. Relevance, in their minds, is a terrible temptation that seduces us away from the “ancient paths.”

TO READ THE REST CLICK HERE!

Federal agents have arrested a man on charges of drug trafficking after finding a statue of Jesus made of cocaine at a Texas border crossing.

READ MORE HERE!

WITTENBURG DOOR came out with the list. I am glad to say I have seen just a few of these movies.

Any suggestions for additions?

TOP TEN WORST MOVIES ABOUT JESUS

Demon Hunter, METAL EXTRAORDINAIRRES will be in Portland!!!

SEE THEIR SHOW AT THE HAWTHORNE THEATER WITH LIVING SACRIFICE!!!

COME MEET THE BAND AT DIVISION CHRISTIAN SUPPLY!!!

6PM TUESDAY MAY 27TH!!!

10209 SE DIVISION PORTLAND, OR.

503 256 4520

Check out this HOT NEW EPK site for artists, authors, etc.

World Vision One Life

Sex and the Soul: Juggling Sexuality, Spirituality, Romance and Religion on America’s College Campuses
One-Child Policy Lifted for Quake Victims’ Parents
Camps reel over gas cost
Pilots’ prayers answered in emergency landing
Over the Rhine
Food banks face rising costs, growing need
‘Indiana Jones’ whips up $311M worldwide
Children not getting breakfast because of aid cuts

THIS IS A PROVOCATIVE, OUTRAGEOUS STATEMENT THAT SHOULD POLARIZE OUR READERS!!!

THIS CONTROVERSIAL STATEMEMENT SHOULD REALLY BOOST OUR HITS AND READERS! MAN, IF I WAS ON THE NET I WOULD CHECK THIS OUT. DEBATE WILL ENSUE!!!!

please come back, please stay plugged in. If you see interesting articles, essays and stuff you think should be on THE NEW INTELLECT please send it to us.

A manifesto is a public declaration of principles and intentions, often political in nature, but may also be life stance related.

Apparently we as Evangelicals have one now. So far some pretty important people have signed, and some of them are pretty progressive.

Check it out! Its important.

THE EVANGELICAL MANIFESTO

Three authors/friends/public speakers hit the road for a summer, barnstorming churches around the country in a cross between an old time tent revival and the Blue Collar Comedy Tour.  Speaking at churches large and small, Tony, Doug, and Mark will present a 90-minute show (including a 20-minute intermission) that will combine humor and passion, speaking and video, preaching and dialogue. Audiences will be entertained, to be sure, but, more importantly, they will be given a vision of an alternative Christianity, one that it woefully lacking in today’s world—this alternative is a Christianity of adventurous theology, passionate faithfulness, postmodern wit, and unrelenting concern for the justice and peace that God offers.

THEY ARE COMING TO PORTLAND!! JUNE 22nd. Portland. at the Mt. Tabor Presbyterian!

MORE INFO HERE!